The Blue Rose

Mission:  Healing Through Art 

  • Goal:  Empowering victims to break the silence and find their voice

Male perpetrators’ beliefs about women. An abusive and violent man is likely to look at women as possessions. He is likely to look on his "possession" of a woman as a symbol of his status and power

Appearing

Blaming

Undermining

Shaping

Excusing

Rationalizing

What you see is not not always what you get

Woman are abusers too

 

EXAMPLES OF PROVOCATION


"she/he won't keep her mouth shut"

"she/he has a big mouth"

"she/he always has something to say"

"she/he doesn't talk to me respectfully"

"she/he won't listen"

"she/he is not sexual enough"

"she/he was being like a slut/dog"

"she/he is too stubborn"

"she/he was battered in their first marriage"

"she/he jokes around too much"

"she/he is just so stupid" 

EXCUSES:


  • "she provolked me"
  • "i lost control"
  • Good intentions - " I just wanted her to see how unreasonable she is"
  • stress, frustration
  • alcohol and drugs
  • self - defense
  • jealous rage
  • insecurity
  • being tired
  • "it was an accident"



MANIPULATION:


discrediting victims

blaming victims

divide and conquer family/friends

undermining

bargaining

minimizing and denying

MYTHS ABOUT ABUSERS:


  • abusive men are easy to identify - comes across as angry, hot tempered, "macho" or having a criminal record.
  • abusers/batterers have a problem with anger.
  • abusers/batterers lack, anger management, communication, conflict resolutions and psychological awareness skills.
  • abusers/batterers often suffer from low self-esteem.
  • the majority of abusers/batterers have mental health problems.
  • abusers/batterers who express remorse are more likely to change.
  • if the violence has only occurred once, there isn't a pattern.
  • abusers/batterers don't change.
  • just because a person has abused his partner does not mean he is a bad parent.

Abusers have a story, an image they have to manage.  Abusers justify their actions by minimizing and denying the abuse.  Abusers manipulate the victim with monitoring, blaming, undermining and bargaining.  Abusers use of alcohol and substance abuse allows abusers to create excuses.


ABUSE IS NOT ABOUT ANGER IT IS ABOUT CONTROL --- ABUSE IS A CHOICE


Abusiveness is a skill encompassing control, manipulation and image maintenance

There may be a prior history of non-physical abuse

Remorse and apologies are part of the cycle of abuse


Both the victim and the abuser may be minimizing